


Rollercoaster

by romanticalgirl



Category: Brothers & Sisters
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-15
Updated: 2013-04-15
Packaged: 2017-12-08 15:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/762789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emotional ups and downs</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rollercoaster

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for the series so far, vaguely. Special thanks to my betas: [](http://inlovewithnight.livejournal.com/profile)[**inlovewithnight**](http://inlovewithnight.livejournal.com/) and [](http://nolivingman.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://nolivingman.livejournal.com/)**nolivingman**
> 
> Originally posted 11-27-06

Kevin talks about his mom’s reaction to him coming out because it’s the one people care about. It’s the one they want to hear – liberal, caring Nora rushing to be there for her son, to _show_ people she was there for her son. She wore red ribbons and had a rainbow bumper sticker and had started to tell Kevin about this one time when she was a girl growing up in Pasadena, but he’d begged her to stop and maybe something in his voice came through because she did. Stopped talking, at least. Nothing else stopped. It just got more and bigger and grander until she was the model mom, the mom every gay boy wished for. She just wasn’t the same mom Kevin remembered, the one he wanted.

He doesn’t talk about anyone else’s reaction or, if he does, he plays it off light and painless – Kitty’s big mouth. That’s what people want to hear anyway. They don’t want to know it was Christmas Eve and they were sitting around the fire – Sarah was braiding Kitty’s hair and Tommy was trying to help Justin with his project he had to finish over break and Dad was sitting in his chair, half asleep and watching them and they’d been laughing. He’d been pretending since the night with Danny, but sometimes, like now, it didn’t feel like pretending and he started flipping Tommy shit about kissing cheerleaders under the mistletoe and Kitty said something about it being better than kissing French maids and Tommy overheard and Sarah shot her gaze to Kevin and Justin said he’d kiss a French maid and Dad had to shout to get the cacophony to die down.

Tommy beat the shit out of him after Christmas dinner when the football game was over and Kevin stood outside in the snow, the hot tears of shame on his face the only thing keeping him warm.

Eventually Tommy came out with a coat and an apology and a bottle of beer, but Kevin didn’t take anything from him, just went inside and to bed and wished like hell the feeling would come back into his cold face and frozen limbs so the pain would distract him from how much everything else hurt.

**

Once Nora found out, it all went back to normal. Almost. Tommy stopped talking about his guy friends around Kevin, and Justin got him a subscription to _Playgirl_ , and his sisters asked him for advice about guys and his father never spoke to him unless it was business, and it was never business. He still got all the shit jobs – telling everyone about the dog, telling mom that Justin and Tommy were playing football in the house and broke that plate Kitty had gotten on her trip to Washington DC, telling her that Dad wasn’t going to make it home for another dinner.

He stopped being a person and started being a cause or a novelty. He stopped being real and spent his senior year being everything but who he was or who he wanted to be. Danny got shipped away to a different school by his parents after he got beaten up on New Year’s Eve and Kevin flew below the radar. His mom made sure everyone knew he was gay. He made sure there was nobody who might care.

**

College and law school were different. He stayed close to home – not that he had much choice – but lived on campus or far enough away that the only time he was expected home was Sunday dinner and family gatherings. He met boys, he kissed boys, he fucked boys. He went through condoms and textbooks and learned the best places to get laid and the best places to get off and lived his life as if there wasn’t an Ojai or a family or anyone else who cared.

Sarah changed that by bringing her boyfriend around for Kevin to meet. He’d met plenty before – he was Kitty and Sarah’s barometer – but Joe seemed nice and stable and he’d given his approval. The rest of the family met Joe and heard the story of his meeting with Kevin. Suddenly, Kevin was man of the hour again, but only as long as his grades were good, he got into Stanford, and he never had to say something even remotely personal to the man at the end of the table.

He pretended more after that, even more after that night when he heard his mother and father in the kitchen. Fighting over Dad’s joke that Kevin was gay, so Kevin couldn’t be his. Kevin stood just outside the doors, his heart feeling like it might burst or break in his chest, like his ribs were getting tighter and they might crush it completely, as they yelled and screamed and accused and dishes were thrown and porcelain and glass shattered.

He sometimes felt his father look at him, but he didn’t ever acknowledge it. And he never again looked into his father’s eyes.

**

He graduated from law school with top honors and his pick of firms. He thought about family law, but he wasn’t sure he could look into his own face again and again, wasn’t sure he could deal with having what he had and seeing everyone who didn’t. So he picked business law and dealt with fraud and management and insider trading, and he wore nice suits. He was respected and respectable, and knew going in that they all knew who and what he was, thanks to his mother’s friend of a friend of the wife of a friend.

He met Seth in the bar at an out of town case – opposing counsel and not who he should be talking to – but they hit it off and then hit his room and after the case, which Kevin won, they started seeing each other seriously. Seth didn’t have much of a family and Kevin didn’t want to talk about his, but then Kitty walked in one morning and found clothes and toiletries and Seth in Kevin’s bed.

Sunday dinner was an invitation you didn’t refuse, and so Kevin didn’t and Seth didn’t and Nora was nice and engaging and his father talked politics to Tommy and Kitty and Sarah was pregnant and Justin was high and talking music with Joe. Everything was fine, almost normal - god, how Kevin hated normal – when the storm outside picked up and the power went out and they were all told they were staying. Kevin reached out, touching Seth’s hand in apology, and his father locked his hard, flint-like gaze on the simple caress and shook his head.

Nora saw, and the next thing Kevin knew, his mom was bustling around, showing Seth where he could sleep and where the bathroom was and giving him his honorary Walker flashlight and Kevin was alone at the table with cold roast and warm wine and something bitter stuck in the back of his throat.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, not looking up from his plate. “That I’m such a disappointment to you.”

William didn’t answer, but then, Kevin hadn’t expected him to.

**

Three weeks later, he and Seth got into a fight. Seth kept talking about Kevin’s family, about how they were so amazing, so loving, so caring. He waxed rhapsodic about Nora and went on about how such varying political views could co-exist in the same household and how Kevin was so lucky.

Kevin told him he wasn’t lucky, he was the performing monkey his family brought out at functions. He told Seth that his father hated him and his siblings tolerated him and his mother used him and Seth told Kevin he was an ass and needed to get over himself, so Kevin left and went to a bar and got over Seth instead.

Of course, after that, the only place Kevin had to go was home. At first it was easy – Dad and Tommy were at the office and Sarah was happily married and Kitty was in New York and Justin had his own life, always. Kevin envied him that sometimes and wondered if he weren’t gay if he’d just get to be a guy, just get to be.

There were new causes after that, so Nora left him alone, even when he was in her kitchen, sitting off to the side and drinking a beer, staring out at the pool or the grounds or anything that wasn’t the inside of a bar or the ceiling of some guy’s house or himself. He started answering Nora’s questions, falling into the familiar patterns of being a kid, all the tricks and ways he used to hide who he was, keep from standing out in the crowd.

He was sitting there one night when his father sat down across from him, pushing a new beer across the table in front of Kevin. Kevin glanced at the dark bottle and took it in his hand, feeling the weight of it, the cold wetness against his skin.

“I need a lawyer.”

“I know a few I can recommend.”

“I need a lawyer I can trust.”

“Okay, so I know a couple I can recommend.”

His dad frowned, though Kevin didn’t really see it so much as know it was there. It was always there, a permanent fixture like the god-awful lamp Nora bought down in Ojai at the craft fair one summer or the angel Kitty made when she was seven that always topped the Christmas tree.

“I want you to be my lawyer.”

“I’m pretty sure you don’t.”

They were silent again, and Kevin stared at his beer, wondering if opening it would be a sign of acceptance or a sign of defiance. Not that it mattered. Token protests and signs of resistance met the same Walker bulldozer that was his father. He’d be his lawyer, he’d do his bidding. Kevin wondered what it meant that the only way his father could communicate with him was if he was paying for the privilege.

**

He trembled when William laid down the law in his will, the slap at Justin like a knife to Kevin’s gut. The only thing like solace Kevin had was the fact that his father was ornery enough to live forever, so it wasn’t likely to become an issue. It was typical of their relationship though, typical of the kind of thing his father gave him. Kevin got to tell the dirty secrets. That was just the way it worked. It’s what he got, he supposed, for being the one dirty secret his father wishes he could hide.

When it all fell apart, Kevin stood there, holding Nora. He supposed someone would comment someday about the fact that he didn’t dive into the pool like Tommy or Justin, but maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe, as blind as his brothers and sisters could be, maybe they got that saving them and saving Nora and saving himself was more than enough work for him. Maybe they knew that saving their dad was never going to be his job.

Or maybe they just weren’t sure he wouldn’t let the old man drown.

**

He tries to resist Scotty. He’s dated boys like him before – looking for fun, out to prove something. Scotty would deny it, but Kevin’s seen it. They’re from two different worlds, and not just because of how much money they make or what kind of car they drive. Scotty thinks Kevin assumes he’s entitled to everything – can say what he wants, do what he wants and get away with it. Kevin think Scotty assumes he’s entitled to everything too – Kevin’s heart, Kevin’s soul.

He’s fought too hard to have the pieces of himself he has. He can’t let them go. Maybe that means that he’s not going to have Scotty anymore, or anyone for that matter, but if he gives them away, Kevin’s not sure he won’t just fade away to nothing. Scotty thinks he knows who Kevin is. Kevin simply wonders how Scotty can sound so sure.

He let Scotty closer than anyone, even Seth. Let him see things, be things he’s never allowed anyone else. It scares him that he’s got no defenses, that he’s exposed. Scotty expects Kevin to think, to feel, to be. Kevin’s afraid he’s forgotten how.

**

He does things wrong. He says the wrong things at the wrong times and goes about things wrong and just thinks about what he wants and not about how it sounds. But there were times when they just sit together on his couch, their bare feet touching and talk or read or watch TV. There were times in bed when they were just lying there and Scotty was reading a book or sleeping and Kevin was working on a brief and he would just lean over and kiss something naked – a shoulder, a stomach, a hand. He thinks he got those parts right and he wonders how they carry so little weight, when they’re the things that mattered the most to him.

**

Nothing bothers Kevin. That’s what his family thinks. Whether it’s because they think he takes it all in stride or because they just don’t _think_ , he’s not sure. It hits him on Christmas when Justin’s there with Tyler, even after fucking up and Kitty all of a sudden has a senator, and Nora has David and Saul refuses to give up Holly and everyone has someone and Kevin’s got no one.

He knows they all think it’s his own fault, and worse, he knows they’re right, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

He leaves the table without a word, ignoring Nora as she says his name, as she reaches out to touch his wrist. Everything aches, and he knows there’s nothing he can do to fix it, and he knows no one will understand.

He sits at the foot of the stairs, breath caught in his chest. He closes his eyes and tries to shut it all out, but it’s all inside him, and he doesn’t know how to make that go away. He expects Nora when he opens his eyes. There’s really no one else. His family doesn’t do this kind of comfort, and most certainly not for him.

“I feel bad.”

“No reason to.” He sighs and shakes his head, not wanting to assuage Tommy’s guilt. “You didn’t do anything.”

“I put you in an awkward position and sort of started this whole mess.”

“Trust me, Tommy, I was a mess long before this.”

“Look, Kevin, I’ve never been…comfortable with your lifestyle. I don’t understand it, and I don’t _get_ it, but you’re my baby brother and I love you. I don’t get your…choices, but I try to respect them.”

“Yeah. I remember.”

“Kevin, I was a jerk back then.”

“Notice me not arguing.” He shakes his head. “We’re fine, Tommy. Go back to dinner.”

“This isn’t about us, Kevin. Look. I know you liked Scotty, and I know things got messed up, but…” Tommy sighs and rubs his hands on his thighs. “Seems to me, if you really mattered to him, he’d still be here.”

Kevin laughs a bit and shakes his head. “I know you mean well, Tommy, but…um, do you really think telling me that I meant nothing to him is supposed to help?” He presses his lips together, determined not to give in to the hot rush that floods his eyes. “You really suck at comfort.”

Tommy looks at Kevin for a minute, his brow furrowed. Finally he reaches over and wraps his arm around Kevin and tugs him close, burying Kevin’s head against his chest. Kevin gasps, the noise breaking down the last of his control, and he lets himself cry, his arms wrapped tight around Tommy, hanging on for dear life.

“Screw him, Kevin.”

“Can’t anymore.”

Tommy laughs, and Kevin can hear the hint of tears in Tommy’s voice, which breaks him down a little more. “Didn’t want to hear that.” He pulls back and tilts Kevin’s chin up, makes Kevin face him. “You deserve someone who loves you, Kevin. And you’ll find him.”

“Yeah? You promise”

“Yeah.” Tommy nods and releases Kevin’s chin, tugging him back into the hug. “I promise.”

**

Kevin turns out the lights, staring at the Christmas tree sparkling in the darkness. He rubs his jaw, the slight scar under his chin from his fight with Tommy so long ago. He remembers the night, curled up in his bed, nursing a split lip and his chin bandaged and his heart hurting. His father had come in, sitting on the edge of Kevin’s bed, well away from Kevin, far enough out of his reach to make a point.

“Family isn’t about choices, Kevin.”

His voice was rough to his own ears, funny sounding through his swollen lip. “This isn’t a choice, Dad.”

He leaned back and shook his head. “That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about _who_ you are. You’re a Walker.”

“Yeah, I’m well aware.”

“Are you?” His dad had leaned in and almost touched Kevin’s leg, pulling back at the last instant. “Family is the only thing, Kevin. No matter what else you have, what else you are, you’re a Walker. You’re family.”

“Even when they’re beating the shit out of you?”

His dad had nodded and smiled, the corner of his mouth quirking up. “Especially when they’re beating the shit out of you.”

He laughs now and sits down at the foot of the tree, leaning back against the ottoman and inhaling the fresh pine scent. He glances up after a few minutes, not surprised at all to see the rest of his family standing in the doorway, hovering, wanting to step inside and be there for him, giving him his space. He shakes his head and waves at them. “Come on in.”

Nora gives him a look. “We can fuss over you?”

He shakes his head again and smiles. “Yeah. A little. Because it’s Christmas.” He held up a hand. “But not too much.”

“Just because it’s Christmas?”

He glances at Kitty and shrugs. “No. But let me believe that for right now, okay?”  



End file.
